APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Live It Up
# Oh, my song's for singing
# And rocks are for flinging
# Trees are for climbing and bells are for chiming
# Love is for giving
# So, live it up every minute
# Every hour, every day
# All those horns are for blowing
# And don't stop sewing
# Buttons are for blooming and brides are for grooming
# And love is for giving
# So live it up
# Make each minute really count, I say
# I never will give it up
# While the giving is good
# I figure to take all the honey from the comb
# Half the days will be breaking
# And there for the taking
# Darned if I'll let them go by
# Live it up every day
# Live it up all the way
# Live it up, live it up, live it up!
# I never will give it up while the giving is good
# I figure to fill my cup up to the brim
# Half the days will be breaking
# And there for the taking
# Darned if I'll let 'em go by
# Live it up every day
# Live it up all the way
# Live it up
# Live it up this time...#
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
That's nice. Hello, there.
Welcome to the show. It really is very nice to be back with you again.
The first song was called Live It Up.
And that's exactly what I - in fact, we -
intend to do here for the next half an hour.
So, how about come on and join us and have a good time, too?
Let's go!
MUSIC: I'm Going To Make You My Man
# You belong
# To somebody else and not to me
# Right or wrong
# Wee!
# That's not the way that it's going to be
# I want you so much inside
# I'm throwing away all my conscience and pride
# I'll try anything to get you
# I'll do anything I can
# I'll do anything to get you
# I'll cheat and I'll lie
# I'll try till I die
# Till I make you my man
# I'm going to make you my man
# I've been burned
# Whenever I follow all the rules
# So, I've learned
# That playing fair is just for fools
# I am fighting and win or lose
# I'm not minding my Ps and Qs
# I'll try anything to get you
# I'll do anything I can
# I'll try anything to get you
# I'll cheat and I'll lie, fight till I die
# Till I make you my man
# I'm going to make you my man
# Woo-ooh woo-ooh-ooh
# I want you so much inside
# Throwing the away all my conscience and pride
# And I'll try anything to get you
# I'll do anything I can
# I'll try anything to get you
# Cheat and I'll lie, try till I die
# Till I make you my man!
# Yes, I'm going to make you my man
# Lord I'm going to try till I die
# Yeah, I'll make you my man
# Lord, I'm going to fight till I die
# Yeah! #
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
You know the nice thing about doing the series last year was
in fact it gave me the opportunity to sing some songs
I'm not normally associated with -
maybe one in Spanish, or an old folk song -
and, from your reactions, you seem to genuinely like them.
It's a great pleasure for me, too,
to sing something quiet for a change.
Here's a nice, pretty, quiet little song called The Water is Wide.
MUSIC: The Water is Wide
# The water is wide
# I cannot cross over
# And neither have
# I wings to fly
# Give me a boat that can carry two
# And we both shall row
# My love and I
# A ship there is
# And it sails the sea
# It's loaded deep
# As deep can be
# But not so deep
# As the love I'm in
# And I know not
# If I'll sink or swim
Oh, love is gentle
# And love is kind
# Bright as a jewel
# When first it is new
# But love grows old
# And love waxes cold
# And so did my
# True love for you. #
APPLAUSE
Another thing about having a television series of one's own
as regards being a lot of fun, is the fact that each week
you meet the guest artist
and they're usually a great deal of fun to be with.
Normally, I suppose, one has, say, a musician or a comedian,
but this week's guest is neither a musician or a comedian,
he is, in fact, a conjuror,
perhaps one of the greatest illusionists in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, the great Campoli!
APPLAUSE
Thank you, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
First of all, I'd like to say what an enormous thrill it is to be here
back in England and on the Dusty Springfield Show.
Now, for my first trick I'd very much like to have the
assistance of a gentleman out of the audience, please.
Could I have the assistance of a gentleman out of the audience
for the first trick? Oh, thank you, sir, very much.
Can you help the gentleman up, please?
APPLAUSE
Don't be frightened.
Don't be shy.
Thank you very much, sir.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now before we go on, what's that in your pocket?
Ha! Ha!
There's nothing in my pocket, yeah, except, er, me pipe... Yes?
..and me tobacco. Yes.
And an egg? Where's that come from?
Let's have a look, have you got any more? No.
What about your other pocket?
Have you been doing the shopping before you came here, sir? No, I...
Just a moment. Just a moment. Hold still, sir.
A walking poultry farm!
Here, that ain't funny, is it?
LAUGHTER
Not funny at all - that bird,
it could have scratched my head, couldn't it?
Could have done something on it, couldn't it?
Never mind, sir, it's only a yolk, a joke, as we say.
Well, it ain't my idea of a joke, son, I'll tell you that.
Have you time, please, sir? It's, er...
..half past... Thank you very much, can I just borrow your watch?
That's my best watch, innit? Now, this is your watch, sir, isn't it?
Well, of course it is, you know it is.
You just took it off of me, didn't you?
I shall just wrap it up in this, in this handkerchief, sir.
Now, I want you to watch your watch. You're watching your watch, are you?
You've got your watch.
Right, now have you ever thought of selling your watch, sir?
No. You haven't thought of selling your watch?
Well it's just about to come under the hammer now, sir.
LOUD HAMMERING
You look worried, sir, I'm worried -
if the trick doesn't work, I don't work.
Let's see how it's done.
Oh, it's back to the Labour Exchange, I think, sir!
Well, that's a fine trick, innit?
LAUGHTER
That's my best watch, I told you, didn't I?
You big fool.
Look at that! It's all right, sir, you can have this watch.
I don't want that watch. I want me own watch!
Now, look closer, sir, look closer.
THIS is YOUR watch!
FANFARE
APPLAUSE
Oh, no, it ain't. Oh, no.
That's my watch. The one you smashed up.
No, sir, this is the watch you gave me, sir.
Oh, no it ain't - that's the watch I give you, innit?
The one you put in that cloth and smashed up with the hammer.
No, sir, I palmed your watch, you see, sir.
I palmed your watch, I put it in my pocket. Get off!
No, it's true! Yeah? Well, I never saw you.
Well, of course you didn't see me, sir, that's the whole point of it.
Yeah, them, they never saw you, did they?
Of course they didn't see me,
that's the trick, you see, sir, it's sleight of hand.
Yeah, that's a good excuse, that is, innit?
Listen, I come up here, didn't I? See?
I come up here, a member of the British public,
in all good faith, gave you my gold watch!
My gold watch, worth £50, didn't I?
My gold hunter and you smashed it up.
LAUGHTER
But, I didn't... You did! You took my gold watch, worth £60...
You offer me that chromium rubbish...
No, listen, please, please, please, listen to reason, friend.
Never mind about "friend"! I want my watch back, don't I?
Listen, now if the watch you gave me was gold, which you say it was.
It is. Find the gold among those bits there then.
Go on, find the gold in there, there's none there.
No, of course there's none there,
no, because you've palmed it, ain't you?
You sleighted of handed it. No... You must have done!
Because there's no gold there, so somebody's picked it up!
What's going on?
Miss Springfield, look, you know the trick, I palmed his watch,
I smashed up another one and now he says it isn't his watch
and the watch he gave me was gold.
Worth £70!
LAUGHTER
You're telling fibs, you are.
No, I ain't telling fibs, no.
Your watch was not worth £70 and you know it.
Well, it might not have been worth actual £70...
And furthermore, it wasn't gold.
Come on, tell the truth. Well...
..it might not have been actual gold, no, but it was goldish!
You...
..you know it wasn't gold. Look!
This is your watch. This is your watch!
Well, it might be, it might be my watch.
It certainly is your watch, so you come out of the audience,
you tell all these lies, you ruin his act, you come on here
and you ruin the whole show.
I ain't ruining no show, oh, no.
I come up here, didn't I, a member of the British public,
in all good faith... Right. ..to assist him and what happens?
He's making fun of me.
Puts eggs in me pocket, puts a bird on me head, didn't he?
That could have lacerated my scalp, couldn't it? And you'd be liable.
Me? And you'd be liable, £25,000 damages, see?
Don't be ridiculous. Look!
WHISTLING
He can do all that, can they?
But you don't even begin to understand.
I understand, my girl, I understand...
..you see, I understand that this is stuck together with elastic, innit?
I understand that. You ruined it. I understand...
..look, he's got a top hat with a hole in it! See?
You see what he does, don't you?
Puts it over there and he puts his hand, he...
LAUGHTER
I understand something else an' all.
There's a fella under there! Look at that! Look!
There's a fella handing it all up!
Load of rubbish, innit?
If anyone's ruined your show, it's him.
A load of soppy conjurors.
People don't want all that stuff now, do they?
Get off out of it! People...
..look, all the British public here that go out for a night out,
see, they want to have a bit of a singsong, don't they?
They want to have a song.
What do you think I've been doing for the past quarter of an hour,
but singing?
Yeah, what I mean, all due respect, I mean...
..people don't want all that woo-wah, woo-wah stuff all the time,
do they? Woo-wah? People like it.
No, they want something with a bit of a tune to it.
I'll show you what I mean. Oi!
Hello? Big ears!
Yes?
Do you know Every Little While?
Yes, baldie!
LAUGHTER
Look, I don't want any of your sauce!
You play it then, go on!
MUSIC STARTS
What are you doing that for? Oi, that ain't it!
Every Little While I asked for. That ain't it, I tell you!
You want to get yourself some professional musicians.
That is not the song, I tell you.
That's...
MUSIC: Every Little While
Oh, yeah, that's it! Why didn't he play it in the first place?
# Every little while
# I feel so blue
# I'm always dreaming
# I'm always scheming
# Because I love you!
BOTH: # And only you!
# Every little while
# My heart is aching
# Showing up!
# Every little while
# I miss your smile!
# And all the time I... Get off!
# I seem to miss you
# I want to, want to kiss you
# Every, every, every little while! #
Sing the song, daddy! Remember that song?
Oh, them was good old days, they was.
A-one, two, three four!
You could booze your way down to Southend,
have a cupful in the Ivy House.
All the cockles you could eat, stagger around,
a few more crates in the chara coming home
and if you felt tipsy in the morning,
see the quack, bung him, and you still had change out of ten bob!
TAP DANCES
Remember Fred Astaire?
# Every little while my heart is aching
# Every little while, I miss your smile
BOTH: # And all the time I seem to miss you - woo!
# I want to, want kiss you! #
Here, what's that you're breathing on me? Oldham mild, innit? Yeah.
# Every, every, every little...
# Every, every, every, little... #
DUSTY: Sing it, daddy!
# Every, every, every little while! #
Oh, they was the good old days, they was!
They won't ever come back, you know?
Thank God for that!
What you talking about, "Thank God for that"?
Well, you had four million unemployed in those days.
You've got to have a few unemployed in a prosperous state, ain't you?
Stands to reason!
TROMBONE PLAYS RASPBERRY
Socialist git!
LAUGHTER
Great, steaming Tory nit!
APPLAUSE
You come up... What did you?
What did you call me?
I said you're a great, steaming, Tory nit!
You're worse than my son-in-law, you are!
Get off of me! Gor, blimey, you look like him an all!
Thank you. You've got the same stuff on your hair, you do!
You Scouse git!
I was born in Maida Vale. Yeah? Yeah! Yeah? Yeah!
Well, they're the worst kind of Scouse gits, the Maida Valians!
Oh! You ignorant old fool!
I'm not staying here to be insulted
by a tuppeny ha'penny little bit like you. Don't stay!
Standing there with all your chest hanging out, it's disgusting, innit?
Yeah!
Here, wait a minute, you want to see close to -
half a pound of boot polish on her eyeballs!
Looks like a panda, she does!
'Ere, I'll tell you something else, you want to get
Ambrose and his band back, get yourself some proper music.
Don't muck about with all that stuff.
And Elsie Carlisle! She was a proper singer, she was.
She could put a song over!
Get off of me!
APPLAUSE
MUSIC: I Only Wanna Laugh
# Keep the mood I'm in
# For a little while
# Let me see that grin, let me see you smile
# No soulful tales that fret and frown
# No woeful wails that get me down
# No rights or wrongs
# Sing no sad songs
# For me
# I only want to laugh
# No time for crying
# Oh, I only want to laugh
# No time for tears
# I only want to sing
# A song that's happy
# That's why I only want to walk a street that's sunny
# I only want to see side that's funny
# I'm saving all of my tears until tomorrow
# Cos crying all those tears
# Just ain't my style
# I'm acting like a clown
# But let me be
# Cos even though I know the joke's on me
# I only want to, only want to on the want to...
# Hey!
# I'm saving all of my tears until tomorrow
# Cos crying those tears, it just ain't my style
# I'm acting like a clown, but let me be
# Cos even though the joke's on me
# I tell the girls goodbye
# Cos I don't want to cry
# I only want to, only want to
# Only want to laugh! #
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
The first time I heard that was actually in France.
And, I don't know what France means to you, to me, I suppose it
means, like, Paris and lots of lovely juju clothes
and the Eiffel Tower.
And two things which invariably seem to go together, in my
experience anyway, one is garlic and the other is love.
I'm not too sure of the garlic part of that,
but about the love part I know that the French write
some of the most beautiful love songs in the world.
Here's one, it's really a very pretty song I think,
by Jacques Brel.
MUSIC: If You Go Away
# If you go away
# On a summer day
# Then you might as well
# Take the sun away
# All the birds that flew
# In the summer sky
# When our love was new
# And our hearts were high
# And the day was young
# And the night was long
# And the moon stood still
# For the night bird's song
# If you go away
# But if you stay
# I'll make you a day
# Like no day has been
# Or will be again
# We'll ride on the rain
# We'll sail on the sun
# We'll talk to the trees and worship the wind
# Then if you go I'll understand
# Leave just enough love to hold in my hand
# If you go away
# Ne me quitte pas
# Il faut oublier
# Tout peut s'oublier
# Qui s'enfuit deja?
# Oublier le temps des malentendus
# Et le temps perdu a savoir comment
# Oublier ces heures qui tuaient parfois
# Le coeur du bonheur
# Ne me quitte pas
# But, if you stay
# I'll make you a night like no night has been
# Or will be again
# We'll ride on the rain
# And I'll sail on your touch
# I'll talk to your eyes that I love so much
# Then if you go I'll understand
# Please leave me just enough love to hold in my hand
# If you go away
# Ne me quitte pas
# If you go away
# As I know you must
# There'll be nothing left in this world to trust
# Just an empty room full of empty space
# Like the empty look I see on your face
# Oh, I'd have been the shadow of your shadow
# If it might have kept me by your side
# If you go away
# Ne me quitte pas
If you go away
# Please don't go away. #
APPLAUSE
Hey! I'd like to say a very goodnight to you.
MUSIC: Everybody Needs Somebody To Love
And leave you with a little thought that a friend of mine
gave to me the other day.
He said the most important thing in the whole wide world is love.
And if you haven't got love, you might as well forget it,
because everybody needs somebody to love!
And if that isn't a cue for a song, I don't know what is!
Let's go on saying it!
# Everybody
# Needs somebody
# Everybody needs somebody
# Somebody to love!
# Somebody to love. #
Come on, clap your hands.
# Sugar to kiss
# Honey kisses
# And I need you, you, you
# I need you, you, you!
# I need you, you, you # You, you, you!. #
I need everybody up there!
# And I need you, you, you!
# Sometimes I get just
# A little bit sad inside
# Oh, darling, you know you're going to always be mine
# I need you... # You, you, you!
# You're going to need me too!
# I believe in love!
# Oh, honey kisses
# Yeah! #
DRUM SOLO
# I need you
# Yes, I need you
# I need you!
# Oh, honey, I need you, yeah!
# Everybody!
# Needs somebody!
# Everybody!
# I need somebody
# Somebody to love!
# Dear God, yeah! Woo! #